This is my "testimony" I suppose...hope you learn something from it...
Lately, I have been contemplating the story of Jacob wrestling the Lord in Genesis 32:22-32. If you are unfamiliar with the story, it goes as follows:
Genesis 32:22-32
That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.
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April 6, 2008 will be a day I won't forget for the rest of my life. There was no major life-altering event that took place, it was just a normal Sunday, until I came upon an old CD in my car.
To avoid being laughed at, I will not tell you what CD it was...most of you will probably guess it when I tell you the name of the song, which happens to be the last one on the album...
The name of the song is "24," and no it is not after the TV show...and please spare me the jokes because I still listen to the album.
Over the past couple months, I have been doing a lot of evaluating...from relationships to work to achievments. You could say I've been looking back over the past 20 years to see what good I've done, any differences I have made....you know, the usual self-evaluation everyone does every few years...
I have to say, at first I was not impressed with what I saw: a half-ass attempt at life, a bad relationship with both parents, and armfuls of disappointments, regrets, and failed opportunities. While the past year or so has been much more fruitful, I was shocked at how much time I had wasted for the majority of my life.
That, however, was about to change...
God has spoken to me once in my life when I was an angry 16 year old sitting in a jail cell for something I didn't do. After my parent's selfish divorce, I never healed. Both my parents forced me to talk about it before I was ready to.
Divorce is one of those things that can never fully be healed, only time can help. My mother and father apparently didn't realize that.
By the time I was 16, I had become so used to the pain I was numb to it. I didn't let people in, because I was scared I would get hurt again. I had locked the safe to my heart and soul, and I made sure the key was inside before I shut the door.
Then what was supposed to be a normal day at school ended with me in a jail cell downtown...
As I sat in that concrete room, something happened to me. I prayed that God would talk to me.
Now, this is usually the point that people say they asked Jesus into their hearts and everything was okay after that.
But not me...
I could feel the presence of God in the room, and I had been waiting for this opportunity. God used a false accusation made against me to blast open the vault into the deepest part of me, and I was so mad I was going to let him see inside.
I let God have it. I told Him I hated Him for giving me two parents that only thought about themselves. I told Him I hated Him because everyone in the world seemed to be hurting, and no one was getting better. I told Him I hated Him for putting me in a jail cell because I was in class doing what I was supposed do. I told Him I hated Him for allowing the principal of my school to wait to have me arrested until the end of school so I could be put in handcuffs in front of the entire school population. And at that moment, I truly did hate God.
We throw the word "hate" around way to loosely nowadays. Not many people truly understand what hate is, but I do. I was consumed with it at that point in my life. Hate is murderous, vengeful, and very rarely okay.
And in a jail cell downtown, I had a wrestling match with God, just like Jacob did.
The details of that fight I will keep to myself, but I walked away with a limp like Jacob did. After that, the hatred slowly left.
I guess I didn't realize until April 6, 2008 what had really occurred in that cell downtown at God knows what time of the morning. Then I heard the lyrics to that song:
"I want to see miracles...
To see the world change...
I wrestled the angel...
For more than a name...
For more than a feeling...
For more than a cause...
I'm singing: Spirit take me up in arms with you...
Cause You're raising the dead in me."
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I guess it really hit me then what had happened that night 4+ years ago. I saw miracles and I saw the world changed. I had wrestled God, like Jacob did, but for much more than a name. In a sense, I walked away with a limp, and so did God. We wounded each other, I with my hatred and Him with His Love. His weapon proved to be the stronger that day, thankfully...
After that, the hatred slowly left me. I went back to school and never received an apology for getting screwed over. I was physically threatened more than once by other students, and I lost most of my so-called "friends." To this day I do not have a good relationship with either one of my parents because of the way they both handled their divorce. I carry a chip on my shoulder to this day about that, but it is no longer against God, it is against those people, because they screwed up, not God.
And yes, I know I should forgive them. But forgiving someone is an everyday process, not a one time deal. But I'm working on it because
I finally realized God wasn't the problem, people were.
Over the next four years after that I had more wrestling matches with other people, spiritual beings, and situations, and I carried my wound into every one of those battles with me. Who would've thought a wound could save you!
Jacob received a new name after his fight, I got so much more: a wound, a new knowledge of God, true friends, and respect; all things I didn't have before. I wrestled God and almost won until He wounded me...how many people can say they've "wrestled the angel for more than a name"? Probably not many of us....
So, if you are reading this and are angry with God over something, maybe it is time for your wrestling match with Him. Mad about the way the world is? Mad about something that happened to you? Just mad and decided to blame God for it?
There's only two solutions if you call yourself a Christian. One is to realize people are the problem, not God. The second one is a wrestling match with the Creator. Before you go blaming Him for everything like I did, remember that He didn't mess this world up, we did and we do everyday!
At least give Him the right to defend Himself before you blame everything on Him. You may be surprised at the outcome...after all, you are only human. You aren't as high and mighty as you think you are. You may think you are the only one who is trying to fix the world, but you aren't. Your career may even be focused around helping to fix people or things, but God is in the same business.
After all, He allowed His own Son to be killed so that the healing process for the world could begin. Can you honestly say you've done that much compared to His actions? Have you killed one of the most important things to you so that something lesser and undeserving could benefit from it?
I bet you haven't.
Think about it.
In Christ,
Hackett
